Things You Tell Yourself

When you’re trying for your first baby, in your thirties, and it’s the second time in your life that all of your friends are getting pregnant, there’s a lot happening in your brain.

-I’m just going to quit the pill and whatever happens happens.

-Maybe I should get a fertility app – just to track my period.

-All my friends are trying for babies too! Maybe we’ll all get pregnant at the same time!

-I’m doing an awesome job at being a wife, our sex life is so great.

-I’ll just read a few articles about fertility and the best ways to try to get pregnant.

-What? All this information is conflicting. Have sex every day, have sex every other day, have sex multiple times a day.

-Of course, I’m not going to get pregnant the first month. I mean, other people have. But I probably won’t. That’s okay. I have plenty of time.

-Not feeling great today. Is that a symptom? Is it too soon to start feeling symptoms?

-Guess I have to wait til next month and try again. Maybe I should get ovulation tests?

-Waiting another 3 weeks…ugh. Such a waste of time.

-What are the best kinds of ovulation tests? Geez, these are expensive.

-Getting up every morning for two weeks and peeing on a stick sucks.

-Finally got a smiley face! What if I actually get pregnant this time?

-How many time should I have sex while I’m ovulating?

-I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

-Taking a pregnancy test in the bathroom at Walmart is totally normal.

-It’s okay that I’m not pregnant.

-Being jealous of your friends isn’t healthy. Normal, but not healthy. Or it’s not normal, but you can’t help it either way.

-I might never get pregnant. And I have to be okay with that.

-I’ll probably be fine. I’ll probably get pregnant in a regular amount of time. I just need to stop thinking about it.

How Did I Get Here?

So how did I happen to arrive in a therapist’s office with stained IKEA furniture? (Does anyone else judge the furniture/decor of their therapist’s office? No? Just me, then.)

Can anyone get through their thirties without therapy? I’ve had bouts of depression and pretty regular anxiety for a long time. My best friend died unexpectedly 4-1/2 years ago and while I know I will probably never get over it, I also know that I never handled it. I’ve spent most of that time pretending she isn’t dead, doing anything I can to avoid thinking about the enormous hole her death left in my life. I probably should have went to therapy then, but I knew I couldn’t handle talking about it. Still can’t really.

But now, I’m newly married, I quit birth control, and my hormones and emotions are all over the place. There are still days where I can barely get out of bed. Weeks where I just go through the motions and barely make it through. Times where my anxiety is so bad, I can’t breathe or think or do anything.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, or even what I want to be next week. I know that many other people feel like me, but it sure doesn’t seem like it most days. I hate that I compare myself to others but how can you not when it seems like everyone is on a path that seems straightforward and I’m wandering around with a broken compass.

I get in fights with my husband because I often can’t communicate how I’m feeling. And I constantly wonder if I’m cut out to be a wife, or a friend, or a daughter, or a sister.

I’m still not sure if therapy is the right thing – but I do know that I need someone to help me figure out everything that’s happening in my brain. I probably need to get past judging their furniture and choice of artwork though.